The Marauders' Goose
by Scision
Summary: Complete. A jumble of senseless but hopefully funny ficlets, where we find Sirius, Remus, James and Peter, and sometimes Lily or Snivelkins, in a Nursery Rhymelike context. Slight James/Lily, I think. 7th year or so.
1. Black Sheep

**Disclaimer: _own nothing._**_  
So i had an idea along the lines of "songfic" but couldnt come up with anything good, so I switched to nursery rhymes and songs etc. _

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**The Marauders' Goose**

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Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?  
_Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!  
__One for the master, one for the dame,  
__And one for the little boy who lives down the lane. _

Sirius skipped down the dirt road. In his hand, he clutched a Shepherd's staff and on his shoulders, even though the weather was sweltering hot. was a thick brown cloak. It made him feel... Shepherdy.

"Hello, Remus! Do you by any chance have some wool?"

Remus scowled as he crouched in a fuzzy black suit. "Yes, I do have some wool."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Yes, I do have some wool, _sir_."

"Great!"

"Why do you want wool?"

"Oh, I don't want it. I want you to give it to the people who live in those three houses. The last one's a cute, little boy. Bye!"

Sirius frolicked off, waving around his staff.

Remus heaved a sigh and trudged up the walk of the first house. He rang the bell and a second later, Dumbledore emerged from within.

"Here, Professor. I'm supposed to deliver this wool to you."

"Why, thank you, Mr. Lupin. I really appreciate it."

"Why do you want wool, anyways?"

"I don't, but they make great Christmas Stockings, don't they?"

"Alright..." Remus left Dumbledore and proceeded to the next house.

"Afternoon, Remus, what brings you here?" asked McGonagall as she opened the door a crack.

"I've brought you some wool."

She hesitated before accepting the sack. "Er... thank you."

Remus nodded and rang the doorbell of the last house he was instructed to hand out wool to. To his displeasure, it was Severus Snape who answered it.

"_You're _the little boy?!" He blurted out.

"...What the... what do you want?!"

"I don't _want _anything, Severus. Take your damn wool!"

Remus pressed the bag of wool into Snape's hands.

"What the bloody hell?"

"Don't look at me, I swear I don't know," Remus said blankly and he pranced off, his little black sheep tail swinging behind him.


	2. Blind Mice

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_Thanks for reviewing, guys :o So here's another one. __oh and since in this one it says lily is james's girlfriend, we can assume its their 7th year or something if you want. _

so like before, reading and reviewing - rad.

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_Three blind mice, three blind mice,  
__See how they run, see how they run,  
__They all ran after the farmer's wife,  
__Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,  
__Did you ever see such a thing in your life,  
__As three blind mice?_

"Hey! Who turned off the fucking lights? I can't see!"

"What are you talking about, Sirius, the lights are on... Well, at least I think they are."

"Remus, was that you?"

"I'm over here, Pads."

"Then who said that?"

"_I _did, dumbass."

"Who's calling me a dumbass?"

"I am!"

"Who is?"

"Me!"

"Who's me?"

"Goddammit, Sirius! _Me_! Prongs!"

"Oh. You should have said so, then."

"Ack."

"Guys, this isn't helping... For some reason, no matter how hard I try, I just can't-"

"We know, Remus, we can't either."

"How would _you _know that, James?"

"You just said you couldn't see!"

"...So?"

"Hey, what's all this noise?"

"Lily! So glad you've come, we're-"

"James? Remus? Sirius? What have you guys all done to yourselves?"

"Shut up, Lily, we wouldn't know, we can't see, so we don't know what we've done to ourselves."

"Um. I dont get what you mean, Sirius."

"Well _I _think I make perfect sense..."

"Lily, help. We've suddenly become members of the vision-impaired."

"Hmm.. that's seems like a problem."

"So you listen to Remus and not me?! You are so cruel!"

"Hey, don't call my girlfriend cruel! _You're_ cruel!"

"I'll call your girlfriend whatever I want. Lily's cruel! Lily's a freak! Lily's a cud-eating schizophrenic pterodactyl on- HEY! WATCH IT!"

"Haha, you deserved it, Sirius."

"_Ouuuchh_. I'm bleeding, now, I can feel it. And shut up, Moony. Do you even know what just happened to me?"

"No, but I can imagine that you just got stomped on by a giant elephant or something along those lines."

"I just sliced off his tail, that's what, Remus."

"Oh... I see."

"Shut the hell up, Remus, 'cause for the last time, YOU CAN'T!"


	3. Mother Hubbard

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_This ones rather short and I dont like it at all. could have been better but for now it does the job. Read and review is great. _

Thanks Kadaj Addiction, Princessezzy, Asian Muffin and JadedLady (shortened... XD) for reviewing my last chapters. (:

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_Old Mother Hubbard  
__Went to the cupboard  
__To get her poor doggie a bone.  
__But when she got there,  
__The cupboard was bare,  
__So the poor little doggie had none. _

"Moony, get up," Sirius urged.

Remus said nothing.

"Pleaaaase?"

"Argh. Why?" Remus shifted in his comfortable chair.

"'Cause I said so, damnit! Get me a cookie right now."

"Can't you get it yourself?"

"No, but I want _you _to! Because that's what makes it so special, the fact you gave it to me."

"Or rather, you forced me to give one to you."

"Hurry up!"

Remus reluctantly ambled over to a lonely little cupboard where the Cookie Jar stood, along with its neighbors, Canned Peas, Corn Flakes, and Pancake Mix.

He retrieved the jar, turned to Sirius and handed it to him.

"Here."

"No!"

"What d'you mean, _no_?"

"I want the cookie, not the cookie jar!"

"This thing probably has 20 damn cookies in it!"

"I'm _not _putting my hand in that thing!"

"Argh! You are so _difficult_!"

Remus lifted the lid off the jar and peered inside. To his extreme annoyance, there were no cookies inside, but still felt around the jar, emerging with only a sad handful of crumbs.

"Sorry, Sirius. No more cookies."

"What?! Goddamn... All that great drama and acting for nothing!"


	4. Humpty Dumpty

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_mm this ones better definitely. also one of my favorites for some reason. and i do have more written, and i know you guys dont know which rhymes or kid songs ive done but any suggestions would be nice. (:_

reviews are rad.

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_Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall.  
Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall.  
All the King's Horses,  
And all the King's Men.  
Couldn't put Humpty together again._

Severus was perched on a low brick wall that stood beside a long, winding path. It was a sunny, happy day, so he began to hum.

He stopped humming at the site of a large, skipping someone.

"Damnit! Everywhere I go, _you _come along!"

Sirius stopped skipping, coming to a halt in front of the brick wall where Severus was situated. "_Excuse _me?" he sneered, clearly annoyed. "_I _come along? _You _were the one who came along first."

Severus made a noise of disgust. "I've been sitting on this brick wall all day! How can I have done?"

"Maybe the brick wall moved."

"I don't think so."

"Well maybe you should get off your damn ass for once and move for it!"

"Why you little piece of-"

Severus lunged bulletlike off the wall at Sirius and tripped.

He went flying into the air and smashed into the dusty road, shattering into smithereens.

"_What the_-?"

"Haha! See what happens when you're a lazy, little ass?"

"If you keep talking, I am going to jinx you into obliv-."

"Ha! I'd like to see you try, what with 30 pieces of disjointed fingers."

A moment later, James came walking up the path. He took one site at the shards of Severus and gazed questioningly at Sirius.

"What'd you do this time?"

"Well, _I_ don't know. First I was skipping and minding my own business, when Snivelly here had to interrupt me. Next thing I knew, he's laying there in a billion pieces like an idiot!"

"Well... shouldn't we put him back together then? He _does _look a bit pathetic just lying there."

"Tell me about it... I can't bear to be seen with him. Makes me look bad, you know. If he wasn't such a lazy ass-"

"I can hear you, you know! I have about 45 pieces of ears and ear parts, which makes my hearing much more-"

"Yeah, yeah. I guess you and your 100 pieces of mouth and mouth parts just make you talk even more. So shut the fuck up, already."

James and Sirius set to work, trying to figure out the puzzle-like fragments of Snape's body but after 20 minutes, they had no luck. The only things they accomplished were connecting his nose to his toe and placing his kneecap where his stomach should have been.

"Ah, whatever, this is such a waste of time! Couldn't he have broken into like, three parts? Not three thousand?!" James said, exasperated.

"Yeah, seriously. Come on, let's go bother Peter; much more fun than this."

The pair of them leapt up and hurried off, leaving Severus sprawled on the ground, still in a huge mound of glassy, jagged and broken slivers.

He waited for what seemed like years for someone to come up the path again, but no one did. Daylight turned to a lonely blanket of nighttime and stars.

Then a large bird swooped by, took one look at Snape, laughed, and shot off again.

"Bloody hell," cursed a fraction of a lip.


	5. Jack and Jill

**Disclaimer: See front page.  
**_Thanks for the reviews, Princess and JadedLady :D heres another chapter i semi like, but not as much I guess. rofl._

reviews are rad (:

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_Jack and Jill went up the hill,  
To fetch a pail of water.  
Jack fell down and broke his crown.  
And Jill came tumbling after._

"Come on, James! You are so damn slow! Don't forget about the wonderful parade up here I was telling you about!" Sirius called. He sprinted ahead up the steep hill, headed towards the top where lurked an old well. Sunlight gleamed off his jewel encrusted crown. When questioned why he was wearing it, he insisted it was for the parade.

"Rgh," James grunted. "_You_'d be slow, too, if you carried this monstrous, massive piece of-."

Remus glared darkly at him. "Shut up, James. _You _obviously aren't a bucket."

"Not my fault you were playing unawares with fake tiara. It's no match for _miiine_," Sirius said.

"Why are you so fucking _heavy_?" James complained loudly as he hauled Remus up the hill.

"Whoops, about that!" Sirius shouted over his shoulder. "I transfigured him into a bucket of lard."

"Oh. That's why." James flipped Remus upside-down and sure enough, a torrent of lard burst out of his mouth.

"That's better," He said as he turned him right side up, considerably lighter.

"Blagh! Hey! That was nasty!"

"Sorry, mate. Would you rather have held it in?"

"Well... no."

"Then quit your bitching."

They journeyed to the very top of the hill. "Great, we made it. Well, James, fill him up!"

James dunked Remus into the dark, muddy and water depths of the well, waited a few moments and then lifted him out again.

"We're good. Let's go!"

"What, you mean that's it?"

"Erm... well what'd you expect? A parade?"

"...Well maybe I- no. I lugged this half-lard all the way up here just to get fucking _water_?"

"Ah... what would you do if I said, 'yes?'"

"Argh! This time _you're _taking the bucket back down!"

He shoved Remus at Sirius, who stumbled back in surprise. With the weight of the water that filled Remus like a water balloon, he toppled over and came crashing down the hill, crown knocked off his head, and Remus howling down in paralyzed pain, water splooshing out of his mouth right and left.

James watched the two of them tumble down, down, and down the hill as he brushed off his front and hands.

"Served that bastard right... Parade, my jewel encrusted ass."


	6. Miss Muffet

**Disclaimer: See front page.  
**_lmfao another one :o i might not post another one this weekend, idk. and why? idk that either. XD_

Reviews are lovely (:

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_Little Miss Muffet  
Sat on a tuffet,  
Eating her curds and whey.  
When along came a spider  
Who sat down beside her  
And scared Miss Muffet away._

Severus lifted the bowl to chin height and dipped the spoon into the pasty contents. He eyed the substance, tipping it over and watching it glop back into the bowl with a squelchy noise.

"What the _fuck _am I eating?!" he said to no one.

Or who he thought was no one.

Sirius the spider sidled up next to him.

"_You _again!" Snape spat.

"What do you mean, _me _again?"

"I mean _you _as in- it's you!"

"Snivelkins has finally learned his pronouns! Of course I'm me, and you're you! Unless, you mean to say that I'm you and you're me, being the fact that you're really you who is really me, but you can't be me because _I'm _me, and if you were me and I were you then that's a total insult to _me _because I'd be-"

"Shut up! Or I'll dump this- this bowl of... shit all over you. Go away!"

"Who are you to tell _me _to go away? I'm afraid that's not how this works. You have things so mixed up around here."

"And with good reason!"

"Good reason?" Sirius huffed. "Who's honestly going to listen to the word of a bowl-of-shit-eating someone over me, who happens to be handsome, clever and cunning, and not to mention, the owner of an _amazingly _sexy chest. Besides; you're wearing a bonnet!"

This fact took a few seconds to dawn upon Severus that he was, indeed, wearing a tightly knotted bonnet around his head. It was pink and lacy.

With a shriek, he dropped the bowl which smashed on the floor with an ear-splitting _CRASH_, causing the contents to splatter everything within 20 feet with a thick, gluey goo. He sprang up and sped off, trying desperately to tear off the bonnet.

Sirius laughed haughtily after him. "Haha. He's such a pussy sometimes."


	7. Rock A Bye Baby

**Disclaimer: See front page.  
**_This is the point where i was running out of ideas. im writing more, yes but this and later chapters will be shitty. _

Thanks, Lady Alianne, Harlequin Girl and bubblicious-242 and Princessezzy and JadedLady once again (:

other reviews are great too :D

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_Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.  
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.  
When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall.  
And down will come baby, cradle and all._

"Tell me- why are we up here again?" Remus shouted.

"What? I can't hear you, you know!" Sirius hollered back.

"I said, why are we in this tree? In a bloody wind storm!"

"Windstorm? Don't know what you're talking about! It's perfect for flying kites!"

The wind howled in their ears as they hung on for dear life to the branches of a vast tree, scarves whipping their heads and legs flailing. Their hair whiplashed their faces.

James came wandering from down below.

"Ooh! _What _have we got here? Why- it's Moony and Padfoot, sitting in a tree! F- U- C- K- I- "

"James, if you finish that, I'm gonna kill you!" Remus snarled.

"What? Didn't catch that! I suppose you're too busy enjoying the-"

"No, damnit! James, go away!"

"Okay, but don't yell at _me_! I _told _you that you guys should have gotten a room!"

James dashed away, propelled by the wind. Remus was going to speak again, but Sirius kneed him in the face.

"Remus, you idiot! He could have gotten us down!"

"Ow! Hey! _You _were the one that got us stuck here in the first place!"

"So? At least I'd be getting us _rescued_! But nooo, _you _just have to take a screwing wherever you-"

"Stop it or I'll-" Remus brandished his wand at Sirius's face, but a particularly huge gust of wind whipped it out of his hand. He gawked after the poor wand, swirling away into the distance.

"What? Make stupid faces at me? Ooh, I'm scared now!" Sirius laughed.

"When we get out of this damn tree, you're going to wish you'd never flown a stupid kite in your whole life."

"Hey, don't take this out on the kites! They're pretty! Why did you take mine away, anyways? We could have been having fun!"

James zipped back to the tree.

"Ooh, having fun, are you? Should have invited me, then, I'm great at giving-"

But James stopped and gazed in awe as another gust of wind ripped Sirius and Remus from the clutches of the tree, throwing them high in the sky. He galloped after them, though they were already out of view in the dusty whirlwinds.

"No! Don't go! Come back! I want to make a little baby, too."


	8. Little Boy Blue

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_finally, another one. i wonder how much longer i can continue because they arent very good anymore. oh well. if theres still any suggestions ill be glad to accept em. _

Reviews are cool c:

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_Little Boy Blue,  
__Come blow your horn.  
__The sheep's in the meadow,  
__The cow's in the corn.  
__Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?  
__He's under the haystack, fast asleep._

James retired to the Gryffindor Common room after a particularly rough Quidditch practice. He saw Sirius napping on a red couch, snoring loudly, but it was muffled from under a pillow covering his face. His limbs were sprawled at odd angles and a pool of saliva was forming on the seat of the couch.

_Lazy dick, _he _doesn't have to practice his ass off every night! _James thought.

Exhausted and sweating, he trudged up the stairs to the boy's dormitory. When he got there, he was going to throw his broomstick on his bed and collapse onto the mattress with it, but something stopped him.

"Remus! What the fuck are you doing?!"

Remus looked up at him in a white sheep suit. "Hmm?" he said, mouthful of sheets.

"Need I repeat myself?! Go away!" James shouted.

Remus stopped chewing the blankets. "Sorry, can't do that, mate. I'm.. er..."

"And why _not_? These are my fucking bedsheets you're chewing!"

"Erm... They taste good? Ever tried them?" he said cheerily.

James growled and swatted him on the rump with the twiggy, straggly tail end of his broomstick.

"Ouch! That's pokey!" Remus yelped, hurt.

"Suck it up! You have a WOOLY ASS."

He didn't answer and continued to gnaw at the sheets.

James shook his head and went around to the other side of the bed to find some fresh clothes for a nice, hot shower but nearly gagged with disgust to find Peter rummaging around in his drawers. He was in a splotchy cow suit.

"What the bloody hell is going on?! Peter, stop it! Those are my _boxers _you're sniffing!" James said with face. He kicked Peter out of the way, who toppled to the side.

"Sorry! It's just so... _tempting_!"

"Ew! Get the fuck away!" James yelled, but it was he who dashed back out of the dorm and up to Sirius. He threw the cushions off him.

"Alright, you git! What've you done to them?" James demanded, sweating even more. "Remus is eating my bed and Peter's _smelling my boxers_!"

Sirius woke with a start in mid-snore. "Wha-huh? Oh, sorry bout that, I put them up to it around an hour ago while you were at practice. I was supposed to blow this horn a while ago." He held up a tiny, golden bike horn.

James looked slightly relieved. "Great. Will the horn make them stop?"

"Naw, it'll make them extremely horny," Sirius said, giggling. "And about Wormtail, it'll make him want to start licking your _dirty _boxers..."


	9. Jack be Nimble

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_wanted to make an all dialogue chapter again, like the blind mice, but unfortunately i had to add some nondialogue. :P_

thanks for the new suggestions, and thanks to those who reviewed my last chap. -hugs and candy for all- i really do appreciate it but i wonder how im going i'll manage to end it smoothly and not just. abruptly. o-o 

anyways, reviews on this one is great too :D

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Jack be nimble,  
Jack be quick.  
_Jack jump over  
The candle stick!_

"Come _on_ James, it's fun!"

"No!"

"Pleeeease?"

"I said, no! You can't- you can't make me!"

"Sirius is right, Prongs, it's not so bad. Hell, even Peter did it."

"No!"

"Well, if it makes you feel better, Snivelly did it too... he just caught his ass on fire."

"Well, yeah... that was funny, obviously. But just because _he _did it, doesn't mean _I _have to!"

"Prongs, you're such a bloody wimp! Look, I'll do it again!"

(All watch as Sirius leaps over the candle.)

"See? I did it!"

"That's cuz you're a pyro, Sirius."

"You're scared of fire, aren't you."

"N-no I'm not!"

"James, this candle is only two inches tall!"

"_Three _inches, Remus!"

"Oh, look, there's Lily! She'll be more than glad to jump over it... _Lily!... Liiiiiily!_"

"What? No she wo-"

"Hey, guys. Sirius, you called?"

"Lily! Would you mind jumping over this candle for us?"

"Er... why?"

"Just do it."

(All watch as Lily hops easily over the candle.)

"See, Prongs? _Now_ will you?"

"Daragkhjg! It's only a damn candle!"

"Exactly, it's just a candle, so why won't you jump over it?"

"..."

"Would it help if Moony and I hold your hands?"

"...F-fine. O-k-kay."

(The room is tense and still because everyone is holding their breath. Sirius and Remus guide James over the candle.)

"Fuck yeah! You did it, Jamesie!"

"I know! And you guys were with me the whole time! And look! I'm not scared anymore!"

"Great! Moony, time to bring in level two- the _fiiiyaaa breeeethin draaaaguuun_!"


	10. My Little Dog

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_ive already written a chapter that will wrap up this series, but i dont want to end it altogether yet XD because there are still so many good ones i didnt use, i just need to find some way to fuse them with the Marauders... _

thanks for the past suggestions as well :D and apologies, this chap is anything BUT funny...

so, if you review, many thanks. If not, thanks for looking.

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_Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone?  
Oh where, oh where could he be?  
With his ears so short and his tail so long,  
Oh where, oh where could he be?_

Remus was stumped.

He couldn't find Sirius anywhere.

He tried looking in the kitchens. No luck.

The greenhouses. No luck, again.

Hagrid's hut. He wasn't there.

The Astronomy Tower. Not there either.

"Hogwarts is only _so _big… Where the hell could he be?!" he said to himself.

He found James and Lily sitting by the lake shore, skipping stones.

"'Ello, Moonsie. What's up?" James asked cheerfully.

"Have you two seen Sirius?"

Lily pondered for a moment. "Mmm… no, actually I haven't seen him all day."

James nodded. "Yeah, I haven't either. Sorry."

Remus sighed and gave them a small wave as he traipsed back to the castle. Once inside, he found Peter exiting the Great Hall from lunch.

"Peter!" he called.

The boy turned on his heel and grinned. "Hello, Moony. What're you up to?"

"Nothing, actually, but I can't find Sirius. Was he in there?"

"Er… not that I know of…"

"Have you seen him today? At all?"

Peter shook his head and Remus sighed again.

The two boys departed, going opposite directions down the hall. Around the corner, Remus ran into Snape.

"Well, if it isn't loopy little Lupin… unaccompanied, for once, by his little idiotic freaks you refer to as friends," he said darkly.

"I'm not looking for a fight, Snape. I'm looking for Sirius."

"Oh, well maybe I can be of assistance. He's probably in a rubbish bin, or rotting in a sewer where he clearly belongs." With that, he smirked and stalked off. Remus tsked.

He ran into several people after that meeting with Snape, all of them girls, so they knew perfectly well who Sirius was. He ended up asking a Ravenclaw 2nd year and 4th year, a large group of giggling Gryffindors of all ages and a couple Hufflepuffs in his year. All of them grinned dreamily at the mention of Sirius, but none of them seemed to know his whereabouts.

Frustrated, Remus retreated back to the common room. Perhaps he would start his homework and just wait for Sirius to appear.

He hopped up the stairs to the boy's dorm to get his schoolbag.

And when he opened the door, he found a dog with fur as black as the night, curled up on his bed, asleep.


	11. Simple Simon

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_I think there'll be one or two more of these left until the very last chapter, but idk :O _

terribly sorry again, im not much in my creative phase anymore so this wont be funny either. Hah! As if they were. :D

special thanks to Elspeth25, SugarHi Marauders and Prieda Solo for reviewing my last chapters and also to princessezzy and jadedladyofthespeculativenight for pretty much reviewing the whole thing. It really means a lot to me (:

reviews on this part are great too :D

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_Simple Simon  
__Met a pieman,  
__Going to the fair.  
__Says Simple Simon to the pieman,  
__"Let me taste your ware!"_

_Says the pieman to Simple Simon,  
__"Show me first your penny."  
__Says Simple Simon to the pieman  
__"Indeed I have not any!"_

It was a brilliant day. The sun sang loudly and the clouds danced swiftly, birds swooping in and out of sight. Peter trotted down a dirt road.

He crashed headlong into someone's stomach, bounced back and collapsed on the ground.

"Ouch! Hey! That really hurt," he complained. He rubbed his head and peered up.

"Oh, sorry, dear boy. I'm only doing my job. Didn't see you there." It was Remus the Pieman. He carried an enormous tray stacked high with pies of all sorts.

Peter's eyes widened, big and mouse-like, at the tower of pies. "_Ooh_! Pie!"

Remus narrowed his eyes and held the tray out of the boy's reach when he jumped.

"Nah-tah-tah! Not for you."

"Aww… but why not? You're just one person, and you have _well_ over twenty pies, what the hell are _you _going to do with them all?"

"Much more than you think," Remus sniffed.

"Can I have one?"

"No."

"But there's so many! _Please_?"

"No!" Remus replied more firmly.

Peter glowered and scuffled his feet, mumbling darkly. Remus sighed.

"_Fiiine_. I'll let you have one-"

Peter grinned drastically.

"-_IF _you pay me."

And his spirits came crashing down and knocked him over. Reluctantly, he got up again and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Erm…" Peter said, rummaging around. "I don't seem to have any money. Not even half a knut."

"Hnuh," Remus scoffed. "Guess you don't get even half a pie, then."

"Pleeease! Just let me have a damn piece of pie, I'm poor, I'm _hungry_!"

The pieman turned a surprised eye at the boy. "Hungry?" he said in disbelief. "Whoever said anything about being _hungry_? I don't use this pie to feed people, heavens no."

Peter blinked. "It… It's not? Then what's it for?"

Remus smirked, taking one of the pies that was thick with cream, raised it high and -_SQUELCH!_- smashed it in Peter's face.

Peter wiped a patch of cream out of his eye and scowled at Remus, who looked satisfied.

"_That's _what it's for, dumbass."


	12. An Old Woman

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_i think this might be one of the last ones. i couldnt put "hey diddle diddle" or "mary had a little lamb" to good use, unfortunately.. :/ _

reviews are yummy.

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_There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.  
__She had so many children she didn't know what to do.  
__She gave them some broth without any bread.  
__She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed._

James cackled as he threw many pairs of gray underpants outside in the yard.

Sirius snickered as he spread sticky paste to the lid of the toilet.

Lily smirked as she poured out all the gooey green contents from the various jars in every room.

Remus grinned as he tied all the shoelaces together in a single knot.

Peter giggled as he filled the shampoo bottles with _real _shampoo.

And Severus was so, so sick of it all.

After James waved around one of his underpants, he swooped upon him, only the kid had bolted out of sight and Severus slipped on something slimy and squishy and he fell flat on his face.

"That damn Lily!" he cursed as he flicked that unfortunate squirmy, slimy, squished thing off his foot.

He got up again and his head collided with the ceiling of the house.

"Arrgghh! Bloody ceiling-"

"Haaa-ha! Not our fault that you chose to live in a fucking shoe. A _shoe_!" Sirius came bounding behind James, fingers thick with paste.

"Not my fault that you all have to _live _with me. If you hadn't-"

"Excuse me? Wasn't _our _fault you got knocked up..."

James sidled up next to him, a pair of scissors and shreds of gray fabric in his hands. "Yeah, what he said! Only I can't believe it..."

"Believe what, Prongs?"

"Well, the only thing on this earth that would have the nerve to get anywhere _near _Mama Sevvie here would be a troll... a _dead _one."

"Ewww! You mean Mama's a _necro_?!" He feigned passing out."My life is brought down in shame! SHAME!"

"You gits! If you're not out of my sight in _three _seconds-"

"You're gonna what? Wipe us with your greasy hair?" James taunted.

"Actually," Peter said, appearing out of nowhere, "That _would _be a terrifying experience... fear no more, however, because from now on, Sevvie will be using _real _shampoo!"

Sirius gasped. "Ohmigawd! Now that _is_ a miracle!"

Severus could feel his anger boiling in his throat, ready to explode.

"_I've had it_! Get to your _fucking _rooms and if you don't, then it's your _blood _I'll be having in my broth tonight!" he screeched, and he charged at the three of them. Those damn kids would have been locked up for good, too, if poor Sevvie's shoelaces weren't tied together.


	13. Life is but a Dream

**Disclaimer: see front page.  
**_Concluding chap :o sorry if its crappy. I tend to wrap up everything the same way… hmm. _

_This also came out longer than intended. Sorry if its not funny at all but I need this finished or it will bug me XD _

thanks to anyone who read / reviewed previous chapters, i appreciated every bit of it. hugs for all. and for a bit of stupid advertisement, check out some of my other stories if you havent already :D love, lauren/pichu/scision.

* * *

_Row, row, row your boat,  
Gently down the stream.  
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,  
Life is but a dream._

"Onward!"

"…"

"I said, _onward_!"

"Padfoot-"

"Are you guys listening to me? Come on guys, ROW! We'll never get anywhere!"

"Actually, Sirius, we _are _moving, but you're too _daft _to notice…"

"Erm.. says who?"

"James is right, because the current is making us drift downstream of its own accord. So really, we don't have to row because the water does the work for us."

"Oh, yeah, Moony? Well not if I do _this_!"

(Sirius seizes Peter's unused oar, and plunges it into the rushing water and muck underneath. They all lurch forward and nearly fall out of the boat which comes to a complete stop.)

"_Aarhgjksdf_! What was _that_ for? I nearly lost my glasses!"

"What was that _for_? None of you were rowing, so I had to take matters into my own hands."

"Well now thanks to you, we'll never get anywhere. We aren't moving at _all._ We DID get some distance if we just let the current carry us, but _noooo, _apparently that's not good enough for some people."

"Then poo on you!"

"I don't think I will, thanks."

"I have a question. How'd we get stuck in this river anyways?"

"That is a good question, Wormy, even I don't know."

"We just sort of appeared here, didn't we?"

"I suppose you're right, Moony. And that gives me a brilliant idea."

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"I can dream us out!"

(All stare at him.)

"What? I thought it was a good idea."

"Psht. Then how?"

"Like this, my dear James."

(Sirius closes his eyes and the other three watch as suddenly the rowboat rises up from the stream, hovering for a minute. Then, the boat suddenly sprouts gigantic wings and they start racing over the landscape. The Hogwarts Castle zooms into view.)

"See! I told you it would work!"

"Bloody hell. How'd you do that?"

"My darling Wormy. A little something called magic."

Suddenly, the rowboat breaks in midair. Nails spring off the planks that splinter and crumple to the ground and the oars are flung into the air. The wings shrivel up and disappear in a cloud of blue smoke. The four of them yelp as they plummet to the ground.

Then, they find themselves in their beds, safe in their dormitories.

Sirius awakes with a jolt and snaps his eyes open. He feels peculiar.

"What the-?"

He looks around and sees James, Peter and Remus stirring from their sleep as well. James yawns.

"Someone remind me never to eat triple bean burritos and gummy worms in the same night…" He says, massaging his temple.

Peter rubs his eyes. "Why not?"

"I dunno, I had the craziest dreams… I dreamt that I was a blind mouse and all this other-"

There's an odd lurch in Sirius's stomach. "You did? Funny… I dreamt I was a blind mouse too. And- and Lily! She was there, she cut off my tail!" He frowns while Remus starts laughing, but continues.

"I kept dreaming about Snivelly, too… In one of them he fell off the wall and broke into a billion pieces."

"Haha! Wimp. I was there, too, right? And we tried putting him back together?" asks James and Sirius nods.

"I had some dreams too… In a lot of them I was sheep… And I remember I had to jump over a candle or something-"

"Hey, that happened to me too! Er, the candle thing, not the sheep thing," Peter says excitedly, turning to James. "You were there, Prongs- you were afraid of jumping over the candle."

James reddens. "Well you didn't have to say that out loud."

Sirius smirks. "Yeah, you didn't have to at all, Wormtail, because I dreamt the same thing!"

"Did any of you have any other dreams about Snape?" Remus asks.

"Yeah, a bunch of other ones… Ick, in one of them, I dreamt we were his _children_."

All four boys gag.

Remus strokes his chin in thought. "This is confusing. We all shared these dreams, if not bits of them?"

The other three before him nod.

"Huh. I could swear they actually happened."

"Me too, actually."

"Same for me."

"I know..."

They all laugh and agree it was silly, but the dreams themselves were hilarious. They leap out of their beds and get ready for the day ahead of them.

In the dungeons many floors below, Severus Snape rouses from his sleep. He pulls the emerald covers over his face, mumbling. He wants to sleep more.

Then he realizes he can't fall back asleep because something is… hugging the sides of his face?

He sits up and wipes a string of drool away from his mouth and touches the top of his head.

"What the... this can't be-?"

He jumps out of the mass of blankets and in front of a mirror. To his horror, tied to his head is a pink, puffy bonnet, complete with frilly lace and bows. His eyes widen in disbelief.

"Bloody hell," he curses.


End file.
